On Forgiveness

I have a very hard time forgiving people. Sure, small things like forgetting about plans once in a while or saying something that gets under my skin is not that big of a deal, but when it comes down to the things that really affect me I can’t really forgive. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had very many people hurt me like that. What does it mean to forgive? Can you really forgive someone fully without forgetting? I don’t forget when people hurt me deeply. That’s impossible for me, it seems. Is it that way for others too? Or can others just push it to the back of their minds and move on? I understand that people are able to change and that it isn’t right to hold past grievances against others but…what’s to say they won’t do something again if they’ve done it before? Especially if they never learned from it. How am I supposed to know whether or not this person has really changed and learned their lesson? Is it my job to teach them when they wrong me? Or is that too cynical, to attack them after they’ve hurt me? I guess it’s all a matter of just taking that risk on someone, hoping for the best, hoping they don’t repeat their mistakes.

I recently read a quote about forgiveness, it said: “It’s easier to forgive than to hate.” I don’t really know if I can agree with that. I usually see it from the opposite perspective; this ties in with my view of how it is easier to be evil and do wrong, because it’s simple, straightforward. (That’s another thought for another time.) But if this quote is true, is forgiveness what happens when you know someone has done something wrong, even if they don’t know it, but you still pardon them for it? Is it wise to forgive someone who doesn’t know they’ve done something wrong? You can hate someone even if they don’t know that they’ve done something wrong. I suppose that isn’t really fair, that’s actually a really petty thing now that I think about it. That’s like in high school when people would talk shit about others who weren’t in their circle of friends, simply based off of faraway details or simple miscommunications…If they don’t know the whole story, they will probably do something stupid, like talking shit. If people don’t know that I hate them for whatever reason, they will probably continue to do whatever it is they are doing. If I don’t let them know then there really is no way for any sort of change to happen, that must be true. I suppose the question then is whether or not it is my place to tell them that I believe they are wrong. Are they wrong simply because I deem it to be wrong? I suppose that is the only sense of right and wrong that I have control over, my own perception. For whatever reason, they have deemed this grievance to be right. I suppose that this is all a part of life, learning what a general consensus of right and wrong really is; it’s a social construct and it is not solely based on the input of one individual but it is a melody of all our voices combined together. I must do what I believe is right, even if it may not seem right to someone else. If they don’t think it’s right then they will tell me, and I will learn more about this social heuristic that is right or wrong. Is that how it works?

            What does this mean for forgiveness? I suppose forgiveness is wasted on those who have no knowledge of their past charges. That’s just a fight going on within one’s head then, this person will only look at you funny; “forgive me for what?” I think back to the times when I’ve been in confrontations with others. I had an ex-boyfriend express a disapproval of my actions when we split, that is the first allegation against me that comes to mind. I don’t know if he ever forgave me for it, but he was one of the few who has expressed their disapproval to me publicly. People must avoid confrontations as much as I do then, I suppose I should not feel so unusual in this regard. I personally feel that it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to have a confrontation with someone and not drastically stunt a relationship. I’m not talking about disagreements, confrontations are a completely different issue in my mind. “You have hurt me because of X reason and this upsets me.” At least in my experience, this sort of interaction has only lead to precipice and a fall. It may be a long, gingerly walk to the edge of that precipice, you think there is no danger with the sure footing beneath you, but the ledge is only an inch wide and the fall is impending. I don’t know. Once a confrontation like this arises and my opposite reciprocates in my silence, I feel as though the deal is done. Does it really matter then if I forgive? Does it really matter if they forgive me? If we never reconnect. Is forgiveness a one way street, a telephone with a severed line?

            I almost feel like it would be worse to come back and forgive someone. Maybe it’s because I haven’t expressed my grievances like I should have, I’m getting that inner-battle syndrome I spoke about. If I ever found it in myself to forgive someone for hurting me, and I managed to approach them and explain that I forgave them…in my mind it starts to sound almost like I’m giving up? Why am I the first one to come back and forgive? Does that make me a better person or does that make me too soft, too walked on, too weak to hold vigilance? I know I’ve done wrong too…I suppose it just doesn’t make sense to me when I haven’t experienced the other side of it…I haven’t had someone approach me and forgive me for some past action I committed. Not in particular…Not that I can really recall…If I were approached by someone who I was in a confrontation with in the past, and they told me they forgave me, I think I would feel insulted almost. I suppose it depends on the situation of this meeting, if we were both confessing to our past flaws and forgiving each other equally it wouldn’t be as bad. But stating it outright is too stark, too forward for such a delicate situation.

            I suppose that forgiveness comes only when you feel the time is right. When you are convinced that this person has changed from the person who hurt you. Thinking more explicitly through that lens, I have been forgiven then. When I apologized first, when I recognized my actions, then I was forgiven. Once they realized that I had experienced that epiphany, that recognition of the fact they knew all along, it was easy to forgive. On the same token however, it may take time for this person to realize their actions fully and to recognize that it requires some kind of apology. I may not have the energy or the time to wait for that moment, when they do apologize. For the sake of my personal well being, I have to take an active role in forgiving others in spite of how they may or may not have changed in response to our confrontation. In doing some research on this subject, I have found another useful quote: “Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life”. A grudge indicates that the past grievance still holds precedence in my mind. That it still affects me, that it continues to alter my perception of the world on a daily basis. People change. Good intentions may not always work out in the end, no matter who you are, no matter who you are interacting with. Sometimes things just don’t work out as planned, and we adapt as best we can. Disagreements will not always end with both parties completely satisfied… Shit happens. We’re human, we make mistakes. This person is just one more fish in the sea. On the life path of retaining your bridges rather than burning them, forgiveness is essential. It’s really hard to cross a chasm from only one side, when both sides work together it makes the pass that much easier. Shit happens. Not because we want it to. No one wants to feel bad, about themselves, about others, about life or situations or anything.

I once burnt my arm on a hot iron and it left a scar. Each time I see that scar, I remember its lesson: “don’t hold the iron that way”. Each shitty situation should be viewed as a lesson, not as a toxin. The burn from the iron stung like hell when it happened, and the pain lasted longer than I would have liked. But it went away fast enough. The scar however, still remains imprinted on my skin. One day, the pain of a situation will go away but what matters is the lesson you take from it; that’s what really lingers. Shit happens. Make lemonade out of lemons. You get what you get, it is what it is, the only thing you can control is how you perceive and adapt to the situation. You can let it control you forever, you can remain the helpless, poisoned victim for eternity, or you can accept the grievance and all its pain, learn from your scar and keep in mind that we are all humans and we don’t want to be hurt. That scar will always be there to remind you, but by no means are you required to relive the pain. It happened, why let it persevere and distort every waking moment from here on out? Remain hopeful and diligent for the future, knowing that you will not make the same mistake again and that things will only get better as you learn and grow, day by day.