On Forgiveness

I have a very hard time forgiving people. Sure, small things like forgetting about plans once in a while or saying something that gets under my skin is not that big of a deal, but when it comes down to the things that really affect me I can’t really forgive. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had very many people hurt me like that. What does it mean to forgive? Can you really forgive someone fully without forgetting? I don’t forget when people hurt me deeply. That’s impossible for me, it seems. Is it that way for others too? Or can others just push it to the back of their minds and move on? I understand that people are able to change and that it isn’t right to hold past grievances against others but…what’s to say they won’t do something again if they’ve done it before? Especially if they never learned from it. How am I supposed to know whether or not this person has really changed and learned their lesson? Is it my job to teach them when they wrong me? Or is that too cynical, to attack them after they’ve hurt me? I guess it’s all a matter of just taking that risk on someone, hoping for the best, hoping they don’t repeat their mistakes.

I recently read a quote about forgiveness, it said: “It’s easier to forgive than to hate.” I don’t really know if I can agree with that. I usually see it from the opposite perspective; this ties in with my view of how it is easier to be evil and do wrong, because it’s simple, straightforward. (That’s another thought for another time.) But if this quote is true, is forgiveness what happens when you know someone has done something wrong, even if they don’t know it, but you still pardon them for it? Is it wise to forgive someone who doesn’t know they’ve done something wrong? You can hate someone even if they don’t know that they’ve done something wrong. I suppose that isn’t really fair, that’s actually a really petty thing now that I think about it. That’s like in high school when people would talk shit about others who weren’t in their circle of friends, simply based off of faraway details or simple miscommunications…If they don’t know the whole story, they will probably do something stupid, like talking shit. If people don’t know that I hate them for whatever reason, they will probably continue to do whatever it is they are doing. If I don’t let them know then there really is no way for any sort of change to happen, that must be true. I suppose the question then is whether or not it is my place to tell them that I believe they are wrong. Are they wrong simply because I deem it to be wrong? I suppose that is the only sense of right and wrong that I have control over, my own perception. For whatever reason, they have deemed this grievance to be right. I suppose that this is all a part of life, learning what a general consensus of right and wrong really is; it’s a social construct and it is not solely based on the input of one individual but it is a melody of all our voices combined together. I must do what I believe is right, even if it may not seem right to someone else. If they don’t think it’s right then they will tell me, and I will learn more about this social heuristic that is right or wrong. Is that how it works?

            What does this mean for forgiveness? I suppose forgiveness is wasted on those who have no knowledge of their past charges. That’s just a fight going on within one’s head then, this person will only look at you funny; “forgive me for what?” I think back to the times when I’ve been in confrontations with others. I had an ex-boyfriend express a disapproval of my actions when we split, that is the first allegation against me that comes to mind. I don’t know if he ever forgave me for it, but he was one of the few who has expressed their disapproval to me publicly. People must avoid confrontations as much as I do then, I suppose I should not feel so unusual in this regard. I personally feel that it is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to have a confrontation with someone and not drastically stunt a relationship. I’m not talking about disagreements, confrontations are a completely different issue in my mind. “You have hurt me because of X reason and this upsets me.” At least in my experience, this sort of interaction has only lead to precipice and a fall. It may be a long, gingerly walk to the edge of that precipice, you think there is no danger with the sure footing beneath you, but the ledge is only an inch wide and the fall is impending. I don’t know. Once a confrontation like this arises and my opposite reciprocates in my silence, I feel as though the deal is done. Does it really matter then if I forgive? Does it really matter if they forgive me? If we never reconnect. Is forgiveness a one way street, a telephone with a severed line?

            I almost feel like it would be worse to come back and forgive someone. Maybe it’s because I haven’t expressed my grievances like I should have, I’m getting that inner-battle syndrome I spoke about. If I ever found it in myself to forgive someone for hurting me, and I managed to approach them and explain that I forgave them…in my mind it starts to sound almost like I’m giving up? Why am I the first one to come back and forgive? Does that make me a better person or does that make me too soft, too walked on, too weak to hold vigilance? I know I’ve done wrong too…I suppose it just doesn’t make sense to me when I haven’t experienced the other side of it…I haven’t had someone approach me and forgive me for some past action I committed. Not in particular…Not that I can really recall…If I were approached by someone who I was in a confrontation with in the past, and they told me they forgave me, I think I would feel insulted almost. I suppose it depends on the situation of this meeting, if we were both confessing to our past flaws and forgiving each other equally it wouldn’t be as bad. But stating it outright is too stark, too forward for such a delicate situation.

            I suppose that forgiveness comes only when you feel the time is right. When you are convinced that this person has changed from the person who hurt you. Thinking more explicitly through that lens, I have been forgiven then. When I apologized first, when I recognized my actions, then I was forgiven. Once they realized that I had experienced that epiphany, that recognition of the fact they knew all along, it was easy to forgive. On the same token however, it may take time for this person to realize their actions fully and to recognize that it requires some kind of apology. I may not have the energy or the time to wait for that moment, when they do apologize. For the sake of my personal well being, I have to take an active role in forgiving others in spite of how they may or may not have changed in response to our confrontation. In doing some research on this subject, I have found another useful quote: “Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life”. A grudge indicates that the past grievance still holds precedence in my mind. That it still affects me, that it continues to alter my perception of the world on a daily basis. People change. Good intentions may not always work out in the end, no matter who you are, no matter who you are interacting with. Sometimes things just don’t work out as planned, and we adapt as best we can. Disagreements will not always end with both parties completely satisfied… Shit happens. We’re human, we make mistakes. This person is just one more fish in the sea. On the life path of retaining your bridges rather than burning them, forgiveness is essential. It’s really hard to cross a chasm from only one side, when both sides work together it makes the pass that much easier. Shit happens. Not because we want it to. No one wants to feel bad, about themselves, about others, about life or situations or anything.

I once burnt my arm on a hot iron and it left a scar. Each time I see that scar, I remember its lesson: “don’t hold the iron that way”. Each shitty situation should be viewed as a lesson, not as a toxin. The burn from the iron stung like hell when it happened, and the pain lasted longer than I would have liked. But it went away fast enough. The scar however, still remains imprinted on my skin. One day, the pain of a situation will go away but what matters is the lesson you take from it; that’s what really lingers. Shit happens. Make lemonade out of lemons. You get what you get, it is what it is, the only thing you can control is how you perceive and adapt to the situation. You can let it control you forever, you can remain the helpless, poisoned victim for eternity, or you can accept the grievance and all its pain, learn from your scar and keep in mind that we are all humans and we don’t want to be hurt. That scar will always be there to remind you, but by no means are you required to relive the pain. It happened, why let it persevere and distort every waking moment from here on out? Remain hopeful and diligent for the future, knowing that you will not make the same mistake again and that things will only get better as you learn and grow, day by day. 

On Self Esteem

            I like to tell myself that I have a high self esteem. I like to think I do. Ever since I got out of the abusive relationship that I was in, and I went through that life change my freshman year of college, I made all those realizations about just how badly he had brainwashed me, I thought that I was finally confident. As confident as I could be.

            I am constantly grappling with this concept of social acceptability versus eccentricity. For a long time now I've felt that I would be able to showcase who I am and what I stand for while still remaining in the realm of "social acceptability". I suppose it's more of a focus on wanting to be myself while portraying the kind of person that can get along with just about anyone. I do feel like I can get along with just about anyone, I think the issue is breaking that first barrier and actually talking for the first time. However, my anxiety as always plays a role in it all and I become concerned about the kind of image I am portraying in that first impression. Because I do want to make a good impression on this possible friend, I don't want to scare them away. That's happened too often in the past. I suppose that it comes down to being yourself with people and just trying to make these connections much more frequently and in different ways.

            This is a hard concept for me to deal with... Perhaps it's because I've lost most of the friends I've been the closest with, in terms of how alike our personalities are. My best friend is very dear to me and I value her time and personality very much, but her and I are also very different when it comes to our interests. I love video games and anime and online memes whereas she loves interacting with people and keeping up with modern news and watching films or tv shows. When I lost Emily...her and I used to connect on such a deep level when it came to our interests. We could talk about nearly anything and have something to say. Maybe I'm just not looking around hard enough but I just don't see very many people around like her.

            I think it's also because I'm still partially ashamed of my interests, as stupid as that sounds. It's not a deeply rooted shame, more of an embarrassment at times I think. Anime gets the wrong wrap. Weeaboos dictate what 'anime' is in the public eye, and that is just simply not an adequate representation and it kills me. Weeaboos are simply the sports fanatics of the anime world. The people who live for this stuff. I really enjoy anime but it's not the only facet of my life, and I don't want people to think that it is from the first mention of it. I guess that can only be resolved by me exposing myself and letting them know this idea. The fact that it isn't my whole life. Surely by the time we start breaching the subject of anime, I will have exposed other facets of my life to this person and they could at least appreciate that.

            What is the line between being eccentric and acceptable though? Why should I care? I tell myself the reason that I try to avoid being too eccentric is because society is formed around being socially acceptable. You need to have people who accept you in order to succeed to some degree in this world. I like to try and be accepted by as many people as possible, to be hated by as few. But what am I so worried about? I know that I'm a good person, my friends treat me like I'm funny or enjoyable or whatever. Where can I find that foothold from which I can elevate my personal esteem? I know these things, but I am not living them. I'm not living up to the standard I know I can meet. What is my next step on the path of finding solidarity in my self esteem, no matter the battery and chides from outside? I know that I'm a good person inside until the moment when I'm exposed to other people. It's that whenever I realize I'm not good enough for them, that turns into 'I'm not good enough for myself', because I failed in being globally amiable. I know that I can't please everyone. I guess I just don't know it, I don't live that concept either it seems. I know I'm a good person and that in the end, I don't need anyone else but myself in order to be happy. I don't need a man to tell me I'm beautiful and smart and funny and interesting. I don't need friends to console myself (though that fact has kind of faded as of late, with as much emotional trauma as I've been subjecting myself to).

            I guess my issue is just learning how to showcase all those things without being afraid of others and what they think. Social anxiety group has made it much easier for me to take that first step in starting a conversation. I feel 95% if not 100% confident in the fact that I can find something to talk to anyone about. I can start that first conversation. The question for me is what intervals do I release my personal details at? How do I get them to want to have another conversation later? I have to not be so reserved. Being reserved is only hurting myself right now, the extent to which I'm secluding myself. It's like a friend of mine said a long time ago when we were discussing meeting new people in college, "I don't know anyone out there who isn't looking to find a new friend." There's no such thing as too many friends. Maybe on Facebook, but that's just a different issue entirely. They'll never see me if I keep my mouth shut forever.

            I have to believe that the sun shines out of my ass.

            Because ultimately, this is my life and I have to be happy right? I guess it's just that I still feel so unhappy when I realize that people aren't interested in the things I have to say sometimes. I know that there is always someone, somewhere out there who would be interested in that particular thing but it just hurts that I chose to expose that snippet of information, formed of my cognition and attempt at social adaptability, just to have it drop in front of me like a dropped frisbee. I guess in the end, social interactions really are a lot like Ultimate. The disk is in your hands, you can choose who to throw it to. The person you're looking at may have a tough defender on them, it may not be the right time or the right place to attempt your interaction toss. But in the end, if they are on your team, the team of creating new friends and expanding ones horizons, they will try to catch it. Even if they may not be expecting it to be thrown to them, they should be looking. At the same time, they may just drop the disk or another defender could block your toss entirely. There are outside forces going on all the time that could affect any given operation in time. They are uncontrollable from your perspective. It is worse to not throw and lose on a stall count than to try and fail.

            I have to try and be more confident in my interactivity as well as Ultimate. Both things can only lead to more good. More opportunities may lead to more failures but it can also lead to more successes. Not trying at all will lead to nothing. Nothing only brings me this, these perpetuating thoughts of 'what ifs' and 'what does he think' or whatever else. If I don't try, I will never know the answer to "what if I had done X thing". If I do not ask, I will not know what he thinks of me. Do I have to ask every time though? Or will he tell me? Do I get him to tell me somehow? Is this what it means to play hard to get, make a boy harp over me to the extent of having him gush for me? Have I mentioned how much I hate this concept? Because it's stupid and it shouldn't have ever come into existence. Just saying. (Excuse the boy tangent.)

            People may remember the negative social interactions that they've had with me more than the bad throws or missed catches that I can have with Ultimate, but it's still the same concept. Self esteem is all about confidence. Successful social interactions are all about confidence. Successful social interactions are therefore all about self esteem. Making good throws and catches is all about confidence. Being good at Ultimate is all about confidence. Being good at ultimate is about making good throws and catches. It's straightforward, in this way. It doesn't matter how you throw it: backhand, flick, hammer, huck, that weird wobbly toss that got mucked up by so many things, so long as you can reach your target, you've successfully completed a pass. It doesn't matter how you go about trying an interaction, if you are confident about it you will definitely do better than if you weren't confident about it. And if not, you made the risk and you tried. If you lose, whatever. There's another turn waiting just around the corner.

            The moral: confidence. It will shine through and enhance every good quality about yourself. Insecurity will only make you look wishy washy and anxious to everyone around you. Then they really won't want to talk to you. Would you rather fail the interaction without saying a single word? What is that saying about you then? Be confident. I can't say it enough. I have to be as confident in expressing myself as I am with starting chit chat. Doing that will only expand the chit chat, lengthen my throw and ultimately get that point into the endzone! Right where I want it to be.

On Retrospect

            I learn so much from retrospect. Everything comes to light, all the little things that passed me by. Reading all of those "what does your name mean?" snippets in the gift stores filed under "Amanda", a common trend of valuing the smaller things in life appeared again and again. You'd think that I would learn from that, because it is true, I do appreciate finer things, I don't expect too much of anything and I value what I can. You'd think I would learn that not only can it make me happy from time to time, but it can be useful and save me from a lot of needless backlash. What is it that keeps us from seeing clearly? From seeing those little things? They happen in real time, alongside every other moment. Why do we miss the most important ones? The ones most important to our prolonged well being? Is it really just a matter of my mind being clouded and preoccupied by things? By only seeing what I want to see? Have I really not surpassed those limitations yet, in all the time and troubles that have transpired in my life? Of all the problems I've been through, where I learn only after I've been left penniless, mentally and emotionally degraded beyond comprehension, my insides hollowed out with only a cold, sharp ache left in its stead, why hasn't this realization integrated in my head? What does it take? I know about it, I tell my friends all of these things when I see it reflected in their life paths, why does mine have to be so different?

            Too much has happened recently. Things have gone far too fast. I've been thrown from a speeding car with no seatbelt, slamming against the street with a shock unparalleled and my body is left a mangled, shredded mess with my blood across the pavement and a moan on my lips. Where was my seatbelt? Why did I drive so fast in the first place? I've summed it up to the fact that the promise of love was too sweet. That promise of a feeling I thought I had for so long. I thought it was in my hands, he told me it was. But, again, I never saw the signs. My road signs. "Slick roadway ahead", "windy road ahead", "STOP". Sometimes my friends are holding the signs. Watching me careen down this horrible road where I'm driving blind. It wouldn't be so horrible if I didn't do this to myself. If I didn't allow the idea of the drive itself to take over my mind, to steer the car for me. I don't think it necessarily started out that way. I knew what I was getting into...to a degree at least. I thought I did. I started up that car, I turned on that path, but then...the speed took hold of me, it grabbed my hands and in that moment I became weightless. I closed my eyes.

            Or was I already driving? Driving on a different road, at a different speed? That was a longer road. Was there a car beside me? Before...did his path segway miles back while I remained oblivious in my ecstasy? Did I open my eyes to find the car missing? Was it a dead end that I met or did I roll to a stop? No. It could have been, but I chose the express-way, the sharp turnoff, there was no finality to that journey. Perhaps all I needed was a gas station, after all of that. Am I running on empty now? The dregs of my last tank, driving into the sunset with reckless abandon? Do I need that respite? I think I overestimated things. My gas indicator is broken. I don't know when it's time to quit, when enough is enough, when in all reality I cannot continue to go. It's a judgment call, one that I have still not had enough experience or courage in making. What will it take for me to tap on that indicator, to jostle the mechanics back into working order? I haven't had that defining moment to force me to realize to such a degree that I adhere. I'm no good with practicing things like that.

            Retrospect is an hourglass reverted, only too late. If only I could stifle the sands of time as they fall, scream for a pause. Would I even know when to do this, if I had the choice? It must be a metered process, if I am to achieve anything close to this premise. But how can I make any progress if I constantly pull off the road to read up on my roadway signals? I suppose my patience in these matters is the issue, why risk a high speed collision when you will still reach your destination by going slower and safer?

            It's in the past now. I've wrecked. We both went too fast, was his wreck as bad as mine? As much as he talks about his 'go go go' personality and falling too fast, do we compare? My flaw of feeling too deeply becomes more and more evident as each day passes. People never really tell me the things that they find endearing about my personality. When I fill out those questionnaires for job applications and they ask you, "What do people think your most redeeming quality is?" I don't ever really know what to say. Is that something that I should ask? I always assumed that if people wanted me to know, they would tell me. It's pretentious, in my mind, to ask "why do you think I'm so amazing?" when I could be telling them how they are just as amazing (if not more so). Stacey has said that I care so deeply about people, more so than anyone she knows. If that's really the case then it's both a blessing and a curse. I'd do anything for someone I cared about, no matter the cost to myself. I think a lot about if and when I would take a bullet for someone. I usually think that I wouldn't; whether that's my fearful self-preservationist instinct or my overemphasis on the value of my life and the value that I place in that, I'm not really sure. Would I do it though? If the situation came, would I do it simply because it is my natural instinct, it's in my personality to care for others in such a penetrating way? I guess then, if that's how it all ended, it would show tangibly that my stifling need to take care of those around me is a lethal thing to a degree.

            If I go too fast, I will never see the signs; it's as simple as that. It seems that even when I go slowly, when the road seems clear and straight, when I feel like I'm in control of the wheel without distraction, I can still miss signs. I won't see every sign. With as much over thinking as I do on a regular basis, I do not pay enough heed to the subjects that require the most of my attention. At least not until it's too late. My worry grasps at my throat and clenches me, pressing my nose in a singular direction, "look at this! Look at this exasperating thing, look at it until it darts away from your gaze! Watch it escape you in your helplessness! Now look until it overshadows you, watch it grow! You can't escape this thing! It's inside you now!" I can't see. It all comes down to this, my everlasting battle with my anxiety. It is the root of all things. I may not only be blinded by my joy for the moment, I am blinded by my tunnel vision.

            Ultimately, it's a matter of perspective. If I am able to take that step back from the situation, remove my foot from the gas pedal, it can only benefit me. They say 'act mysterious', 'be desirable', 'don't give it up so soon'...they're saying wait. Waiting takes time, time takes patience. Patience takes control. Control takes volition. I have to make my own spur, this is the moment. No longer can I go full throttle. I don't have the gas to make the journey, the horsepower to match my ideal speed, and most of all I don't have the strength to accept the crash. I can only hope for the best, that I'm as desirable as I like to think I am, so all the hot rods I admire won't pass me by on the freeway. Give it more practice, become more objective, slow down the rats in my head: no amount of anxious, scatterbrained premeditation will help you find the perfect road, free from hazards. There is no perfect road. All you can do is look for signs and drive on.