On Self Esteem

            I like to tell myself that I have a high self esteem. I like to think I do. Ever since I got out of the abusive relationship that I was in, and I went through that life change my freshman year of college, I made all those realizations about just how badly he had brainwashed me, I thought that I was finally confident. As confident as I could be.

            I am constantly grappling with this concept of social acceptability versus eccentricity. For a long time now I've felt that I would be able to showcase who I am and what I stand for while still remaining in the realm of "social acceptability". I suppose it's more of a focus on wanting to be myself while portraying the kind of person that can get along with just about anyone. I do feel like I can get along with just about anyone, I think the issue is breaking that first barrier and actually talking for the first time. However, my anxiety as always plays a role in it all and I become concerned about the kind of image I am portraying in that first impression. Because I do want to make a good impression on this possible friend, I don't want to scare them away. That's happened too often in the past. I suppose that it comes down to being yourself with people and just trying to make these connections much more frequently and in different ways.

            This is a hard concept for me to deal with... Perhaps it's because I've lost most of the friends I've been the closest with, in terms of how alike our personalities are. My best friend is very dear to me and I value her time and personality very much, but her and I are also very different when it comes to our interests. I love video games and anime and online memes whereas she loves interacting with people and keeping up with modern news and watching films or tv shows. When I lost Emily...her and I used to connect on such a deep level when it came to our interests. We could talk about nearly anything and have something to say. Maybe I'm just not looking around hard enough but I just don't see very many people around like her.

            I think it's also because I'm still partially ashamed of my interests, as stupid as that sounds. It's not a deeply rooted shame, more of an embarrassment at times I think. Anime gets the wrong wrap. Weeaboos dictate what 'anime' is in the public eye, and that is just simply not an adequate representation and it kills me. Weeaboos are simply the sports fanatics of the anime world. The people who live for this stuff. I really enjoy anime but it's not the only facet of my life, and I don't want people to think that it is from the first mention of it. I guess that can only be resolved by me exposing myself and letting them know this idea. The fact that it isn't my whole life. Surely by the time we start breaching the subject of anime, I will have exposed other facets of my life to this person and they could at least appreciate that.

            What is the line between being eccentric and acceptable though? Why should I care? I tell myself the reason that I try to avoid being too eccentric is because society is formed around being socially acceptable. You need to have people who accept you in order to succeed to some degree in this world. I like to try and be accepted by as many people as possible, to be hated by as few. But what am I so worried about? I know that I'm a good person, my friends treat me like I'm funny or enjoyable or whatever. Where can I find that foothold from which I can elevate my personal esteem? I know these things, but I am not living them. I'm not living up to the standard I know I can meet. What is my next step on the path of finding solidarity in my self esteem, no matter the battery and chides from outside? I know that I'm a good person inside until the moment when I'm exposed to other people. It's that whenever I realize I'm not good enough for them, that turns into 'I'm not good enough for myself', because I failed in being globally amiable. I know that I can't please everyone. I guess I just don't know it, I don't live that concept either it seems. I know I'm a good person and that in the end, I don't need anyone else but myself in order to be happy. I don't need a man to tell me I'm beautiful and smart and funny and interesting. I don't need friends to console myself (though that fact has kind of faded as of late, with as much emotional trauma as I've been subjecting myself to).

            I guess my issue is just learning how to showcase all those things without being afraid of others and what they think. Social anxiety group has made it much easier for me to take that first step in starting a conversation. I feel 95% if not 100% confident in the fact that I can find something to talk to anyone about. I can start that first conversation. The question for me is what intervals do I release my personal details at? How do I get them to want to have another conversation later? I have to not be so reserved. Being reserved is only hurting myself right now, the extent to which I'm secluding myself. It's like a friend of mine said a long time ago when we were discussing meeting new people in college, "I don't know anyone out there who isn't looking to find a new friend." There's no such thing as too many friends. Maybe on Facebook, but that's just a different issue entirely. They'll never see me if I keep my mouth shut forever.

            I have to believe that the sun shines out of my ass.

            Because ultimately, this is my life and I have to be happy right? I guess it's just that I still feel so unhappy when I realize that people aren't interested in the things I have to say sometimes. I know that there is always someone, somewhere out there who would be interested in that particular thing but it just hurts that I chose to expose that snippet of information, formed of my cognition and attempt at social adaptability, just to have it drop in front of me like a dropped frisbee. I guess in the end, social interactions really are a lot like Ultimate. The disk is in your hands, you can choose who to throw it to. The person you're looking at may have a tough defender on them, it may not be the right time or the right place to attempt your interaction toss. But in the end, if they are on your team, the team of creating new friends and expanding ones horizons, they will try to catch it. Even if they may not be expecting it to be thrown to them, they should be looking. At the same time, they may just drop the disk or another defender could block your toss entirely. There are outside forces going on all the time that could affect any given operation in time. They are uncontrollable from your perspective. It is worse to not throw and lose on a stall count than to try and fail.

            I have to try and be more confident in my interactivity as well as Ultimate. Both things can only lead to more good. More opportunities may lead to more failures but it can also lead to more successes. Not trying at all will lead to nothing. Nothing only brings me this, these perpetuating thoughts of 'what ifs' and 'what does he think' or whatever else. If I don't try, I will never know the answer to "what if I had done X thing". If I do not ask, I will not know what he thinks of me. Do I have to ask every time though? Or will he tell me? Do I get him to tell me somehow? Is this what it means to play hard to get, make a boy harp over me to the extent of having him gush for me? Have I mentioned how much I hate this concept? Because it's stupid and it shouldn't have ever come into existence. Just saying. (Excuse the boy tangent.)

            People may remember the negative social interactions that they've had with me more than the bad throws or missed catches that I can have with Ultimate, but it's still the same concept. Self esteem is all about confidence. Successful social interactions are all about confidence. Successful social interactions are therefore all about self esteem. Making good throws and catches is all about confidence. Being good at Ultimate is all about confidence. Being good at ultimate is about making good throws and catches. It's straightforward, in this way. It doesn't matter how you throw it: backhand, flick, hammer, huck, that weird wobbly toss that got mucked up by so many things, so long as you can reach your target, you've successfully completed a pass. It doesn't matter how you go about trying an interaction, if you are confident about it you will definitely do better than if you weren't confident about it. And if not, you made the risk and you tried. If you lose, whatever. There's another turn waiting just around the corner.

            The moral: confidence. It will shine through and enhance every good quality about yourself. Insecurity will only make you look wishy washy and anxious to everyone around you. Then they really won't want to talk to you. Would you rather fail the interaction without saying a single word? What is that saying about you then? Be confident. I can't say it enough. I have to be as confident in expressing myself as I am with starting chit chat. Doing that will only expand the chit chat, lengthen my throw and ultimately get that point into the endzone! Right where I want it to be.